Business Politics and bile in my throat

It is 7:30 am as I write the first draft of this post
Anyone who knows me would understand why this is unusual, seeing that I normally don’t wake up until noon or so
So, why am I up right now?
Because I never really got to sleep last night
I started yesterday with the discovery that Youtube deleted a video that has been up for 2 years
It showed me that the industry bots that scour Youtube for copyright infringement will let you fly under the radar
But they noticed me after my video got 40,000 hits
Now they are threatening to delete my entire account
This re-enforces the idea that you can’t say what you want without someone seeing it as a loss of revenue
Art and free speech seem to be tolerated in this society as long as they can make a profit
If you are not making a profit for them, then you are not allowed to use pieces of your own culture to comment
They own our culture now and we are only allowed to rent it from them
Next, I got a response to a simple request that I thought would be no problem
My night was spent obsessing over an e-mail exchange with a rep who was handling an independent film that will be playing in Dallas next month
I was trying to get permission to cover the film for Rockula Retrospective and I got the brush off with the simple response of “We already have someone covering this event” which means “Don’t bother”
I tried to explain that I wasn’t asking for an endorsement or to be included in their promotional event
All I wanted to do was PAY to see the movie and interview people about the movie afterwards
I still got the brush off

So, instead of sleeping, my night was spent floating in and out of consciousness
Alternating between writing/rewriting my scathing response in my head while literally choking back the bile of resentment that was burning in my chest and throat
If I wasn’t tossing and turning, I was headed to the bathroom, hoping I would make it to the toilet  before the liquid fire came out of my mouth
Thankfully, it never came to that point but all I could think about were the lowest moments of my life where I would wake up in a panic, gasping for air and choking on a mouth full of stomach acid

This sheds a light on one of the biggest weaknesses in my character and the main contributing factor as to why I never “made it”
I cannot let go of the resentment I feel when someone won’t even give me a chance to fail
I suck at business politics and tend to vent at those who give me the brush off
It’s not like I expect people to hand me a paying gig on a weekend night with a built in crowd
I understand that the people who get those slots have earned it by binging people in that make money for the venue
However, as an artist, it makes me feel incredibly resentful when I see someone who got their opportunities due to their connections and not their talent
The fact that they are succeeding isn’t even my main issue
It’s the fact that there are a limited number of opportunities
So, it’s not that I want them to fail, I just want them to not take all the spots and leave me with nothing

As per usual, the internal conflict started to morph into self loathing and wanting to give up on my life
Keep in mind that I understand the repercussions and realities of ending my life and I wasn’t thinking about actually killing myself, so please don’t feel concerned about that
My mind would not let go of the idea of completely giving up any kind of artistic endeavours
This idea that was doing laps around my brain was that maybe my life wouldn’t be so stressful if I just sold all of my equipment and quit trying to participate in an industry that clearly doesn’t want me (and couldn’t be bothered to explain why)
That thought process usually ends with “If you give up on that, you will have no life and might as well end it all, so quit thinking about quitting”
I also understand that I could have been a lot farther into my career if I had shut my mouth, swallowed my pride and gone with the flow, instead of venting my anger at those who were, in my mind, guilty of disrespecting me with their indifference
Letting these people know what I thought of them in great detail certainly has not helped me at all

So I finally gave up trying to sleep and thought that I might be able to quiet my resentment by writing about it at 7:30am
I went to check on the status of my calm and non-resentful response, asking why I won’t be allowed access, but there has been no response so far
Fortunately, there was a response from an independent filmmaker that I have obsessed over since the 90’s
He has given me permission to show one of his films at a future movie night I have in the works
I have to acknowledge that many positive things happen in my life and I should be grateful for possessing qualities that set me apart from most of the rest of the hacks
Still, it is endlessly frustrating to see people not even make an effort to acknowledge what I am capable of because they have forgotten or have never known what it is like to be the little guy just asking for a chance to carry the ball and prove my talents

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