The Decade in Review part 6

originally posted on 20 March 2010 @ 02:15 pm
Like I mentioned in part 5, I had started blogging at this time
This has caused me to consider how much I will be repeating myself
I went back to the blogs I wrote at the time which started on MySpace (March 2005)
That’s when I started hearing things about Rupert Murdoch claiming ownership of the material posted on MS, so I switched over to LiveJournal
After (over)thinking about the issue, I just said to myself “fuck it” and came to the decision that I would stick to just letting it stream out of me
If you’ve read this stuff before then just skip over it
However, it is interesting to go back and read my words from what seems like a different life
Plus, the contrast between what I’m willing to divulge now compared to back then is noticable
Much to the chagrin of a few key players in this series, I am being a lot more candid about the people and situations from my past
More importantly, I feel I need to allow my weaknesses to see the light of day
I’m sure that none of you willl be surprised at the things you have read, and will read so far
The difference is that I need to address some of the things that I wouldn’t tell to anyone but my closest friends
And
Some things I have never shared with anyone

Sombra and I move into the new rehearsal studio and start to figure out what we want to do
That’s about the same time that I lock eyes on something that will shape my future
The Roland SPDS
A piece of equipment that would influence my musical advancement even more than the cable hi hat (which completely changed the way I played drums)
This was the answer to all the problems I had with finding band members to play all of these strange musical parts
All I had to do was program them into the pad
The simple operation made it possible for me to envision things that seemed un-atainable due to my ignorance of programming etc…
I just couldn’t wrap my mind around buttons and programs and cut and paste but the pads let me envision those notes in real time
This would also come in handy due to the fact that Sombra was losing his cohesion and started to become unable to do anything the same way twice

Meanwhile, Laura and I had moved into an apartment smack dab in-between a heavily Mexican neighborhood and what we call the Gayborhood
She eventually transferred to a Starbucks a few miles away and I was just getting the job at Brook Mays
That is, after being unemployed for about a month
Not only that, but I was really depressed and showing no motivation
A good chunk of that was due to the problems I was having with Autonomy
She was seriously considering asking me to leave
I didn’t take it personally because I knew she had no previous experience with a relationship this complicated so I didn’t blow up at her when she gave me the “get a job” ultimatum

It is at this point where I feel the need to address the issue of my involvement with Laura
Many of my friends (and ex-girlfriends) couldn’t believe the level of commitment I was willing to give this girl
Especially when I have dated a number of girls whom I have fallen for but could not commit to
The more Laura and I got to know each other, the more I saw someone who came very close to seeing things through the same type of filter as I
The 12 year age difference also meant that I had been through many of the life experiences that she was currently going through
I saw that she needed someone to help her navigate through those situations
She made me feel like what I was doing for her was imortant
There were times when I would get a little too cocky and become dismissive of her but she held her ground and, thus, kept me grounded
I saw her accomplishements as my own and felt responsibility when she failed
One of the first things I can remember thinking when we first started dating was “This girl can help you become a better person”

Eventually, the Brook Mays job panned out and things were getting better

The things that Ether was saying about me on the internet were really insulting
He was blaming me for all sorts of things and inferring that I had held the band back
But the worst was that he was calling me a thief
I had already admitted to his face that I took 100 CDs (and paid for them) but now I was being blamed for 200 others that had not been accounted for
Basically, he was trying to hoist all of the failures of Autonomy on my shoulders
It didn’t help that he had Jendeen as a drummer
I would go online and silently endure reading statements inferring that my poor musicianship had slowed the writing and recording process (when I seem to remember it taking longer because I didn’t think certain parts were good enough), that my attitude and intense behavior was alienating fans (well, SOMEONE had to display some intensity in that band)
To add insult to injury, they had allegedly been thinking about firing me (except I beat them to the punch)
My bitterness was starting to grow as did my contempt for the music business that was becoming increasingly more one dimensional.

This is when things start to get progressively darker for me

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