Another wasted day surrounded by quicksand

I was going to go to work today until I heard on the radio that it would take at least an hour just to get on the DART rail trains due to the Mavericks parade so I called work and said I wasn’t going to be in
This left me with an entire day to myself
I hit craigslist and scanned the employment section, sent out my resume to some likely candidates and then turned my attention to getting something accomplished
Then the familiar blockage set in

People familiar with my blogs have read my accounts of my difficulties in creating lately
There are a couple of well meaning friends who have told me “Quit whining and just do it” which is about the equivalent of “Walk it off” from a gym coach
They mean well, but I am not sure they realize the depths in which this problem reaches
To make matters worse, no criticism from outside can match what comes from within
My entire day has been spent calling myself all manner of things including lazy, worthless, hopeless, pathetic, spoiled etc….
The worst word is wasteful
Wasteful in that I understand that I have a great amount of talent, energy and all the tools neccesary to write, record and perform anything I could imagine
And I can imagine a lot
Unfortunately, the space between imagination and application is filled with emotional quicksand
Every bit of drive and enthusiasm gets swaqllowed up by a huge pit of apathy
Ever had that dream where you are trying to walk but cannot because you are being held back by some unseen physical force?
It’s like tring to walk underwater
Today (and far too many other days) has been spent trudging from each unfinished project to the next

It’s not like I completely believe in all of those words that I have been calling myself
I know I am not lazy when I can work on an engine in 100 degree heat until Roy tells me I have to take a break
But it was only because I had him to back me up and help me when I got stuck
I know I am not worthless because I have been able to produce what I consider to be truly innovate and interesting art
Not only that but I know that I have the skills to play virtually any kind of music
And it is because of all the work I did up until this point that makes it that way
However, I cannot dismiss those words because the evidence adds up to me not succeeding at the things I truly want to do

Laura reminds me that I have a huge advantage over most artists because I have networked with a ton of people who could help me
And yet, here I sit, wishing I could take another nap so that I don’t have to look at the quicksand

An idea that constantly re-appears in my head when pondering this problem is that I never really had to work that hard at accomplishing the positive things in my life
Everything I am good at came as a result of natural talents
I often wonder what my life owuld be like if I hadn’t been raised in a comfortable middle class environment
I did very well in scool when it came to things that I enjoyed
If I hated it, then I would fail miserably
I excelled at jobs that wee easy for me (like musical instrument sales, fundraising etc…) and yet, I can barely convince myself to even consider doing something that I don’t find the least bit inspiring

I read biographies of people that I admire who battled against poverty, racism, classism and appalling conditions
It made them hungry for success and gave them an unstoppable drive
I do very well at what comes easy and completely ignore anything that doesn’t
I fear that it is too late for me to overcome this flaw in my character and that is what feeds my worthless, hopeless and pathetic feelings about myself
I fear that I have lived my life this way for so long that I will never be able to overcome these things that keep me rooted in one spot while the world advances all around me and taunts me with it’s success
This causes me to isolate myself from the world and limits the chances for me to find anyone who can help me out
It sure would be nice to have someone like Roy to lean over my shoulder and tell me how to fix that engine
As of now, all I am doing is fumbling underneath the hood with a toolbox full of tools and no idea what it’s going to take to fix what’s wrong


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s