The Rockula followup-date

William called me up to see how I was doing and to ask me if I was OK
I said I was just fine and he explained that the latest Rockula update was causing some people concern
When I asked why, he explained that it sounds like I am at rock bottom and that I am considering hurting myself or ending my life
After I established that I don’t intend to do either of those things, we discussed why people reacted the way they did to the post
The main point that I want to make about the tone of that blog is that I do truly feel the way it came across
My life does truly feel very dismal at the moment but I never expected people to react the way they did but it doesn’t surprise me that it got the attention it did
I explained to him about my lack of creative energy at the moment and that the only inspired art I have made as of late is that post
Most of the art I do that makes me happy is somewhat positive (although still cynical and agressive)
I wrote that blog because that was the only thing that will come out of me right now

When most people openly contemplate not living anymore, it tends to manifest itself in a romantic notion that their death will cause this huge ripple throughout their conrer of the world
They envision people holding each other crying and saying “if we had only….”
Of course, the people who are really close to me would be heartbroken if I died and even more affected if I killed myself
Those are the people who I wouldn’t want to hurt (no one with a conscience really wants to hurt those that care about them)

It is the rest of the people that are the problem
I have no illusions that my death would affect most people that I know past saying “Man, that sucks….” for about 5 minutes until they get on with their lives
It’s OK for you to admit it because I feel the same way when someone on my periphery dies or kills themselves
A couple of musicicians in Dallas killed themselves recently
I knew the father and sister of one of them and I thought that it was terrible for about 5 minutes then I went on with my life
It’s not that we are unfeeling bastards
It’s that we have the capacity to know such a huge amount of people casually that it is impossible to feel that much sadness over someone you bump into at a bar every time you go out
So, that being said, I don’t have the illusion that my death will “make them all pay for ignoring me” because it wouldn’t

Back to the content of the last blog
William and I discussed the fact that a person can post a million things about having a good day and people will gloss right over it
You can go on Facebook and read about someone eating a great burger or bitching about how their day at work sucked because their co-worker etc…..
And that’s exactly what all of that noise is
Nothing but line after line of
However, nothing gets someone’s attention like a dismal and depressing blog
It was proven to me just lately because people who normally don’t contact me on a regular basis have made it a point to tell me it’s going to be OK
I do really appreciate it and, conversely, don’t feel resentment that I have to appear to wanna kill myself in order to get ther attention
After all, I don’t pay that much attention to them either
None of us should feel that guilty for it because it is the aforementioned everyday overload of information that has caused us to read people’s personal ramblings as if they were just another TV show that can be changed like one of the 100 channels we all have at our fingertips
I also don’t feel like I am going to have to manufacture this angst every time I fell like no one’s paying attention to me
I may be an attention whore who will go to great lengths to paint myself as colorful and interesting as possible
But I sure ‘aint gonna hold razor to my wrist everytime I feel neglected or ignored
In fact, every time I have thought about ending my own life, I immediately think of how I could do it without destroying other people’s lives in the process
The answer is always that it would be impossible
For insatnce, my mother’s health is so bad right now, if I did such a thing it would probably kill her too

It is gratifying to know that even people on the perphery care enough about me to drop a line to help elevate my emotional state
I assure you that I was not painting such a dismal picture just to get you guys to pay attention to me
In fact, I didn’t think that many people would read it in the first place
It was simply the only artistic mode of expression that woulld allow itself to survive the process from my head to a tangible result

William and I joked that more people pay attention to an un-intended suicide note than will to come to see me play live
So think about that the next time you see me advertising a gig
It just may be the last chance you ever get to see me play……..
Not really


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