The anatomy of a failed attempt to create

I’m sitting there doing something unproductive like rotting on the internet when an idea pops into my head
It does laps around my brain, gains momentum and finally convinces me to get off my ass and do something with it
But I know from experience that I had better get it done quick because, with the idea, comes all of the creativity killing anxieties that slow me down and eventually make me wanna give up and go back to rotting on the internet again
Video ideas are a lot easier
Searching through the hard drive isn’t so bad because I bothered to catalogue everything when I digitized it
If it is on VHS or DVD, then I have to wait through the ripping process to get my clip
This is not as momentum killing because I can always surf the internet whilst the ripping occurs but it still allows me to get distracted
Odds are %70 to %80 that I will get a finished result
Internet distractions aside, the other culprit is the dreaded “loss of work because you forgot to save before you overloaded the program and caused it to lock up” scenario
This always happens when I get into a clip chopping frenzy and then recieve the while screen of death
The Japanese Toy Edit is the most recent example and was set aside in frustration
Only to be accidentally deleted whilst making space on the hard drive
I had to start over from scratch, and even lost the clips I editied out of a 45 minute block

Video is a lot easier than music when it comes to overcoming the failed attempt
It seems that I have a lot less anxiety about my video than my music
After examination, there is one major difference
I have recieved much more feedback regarding my video than I ever get for my music
Lots of people have given me very energetic response to my video and the negative feedback usually occurs when I am seeking to elicit a negative response from the viewer
My music gets 3 different responses
1- It’s cool (lukewarm)
2- I didn’t understand it (also lukewarm)
3- Your music sucks because it can never be as anti-art as mine (accompanied by a threat to stab me in the neck with a steak knife)
If you think response #3 is the worst reponse then you are incorrect
Nothing offends me more than someone who doesn’t feel compelled by my art to even bother to form a decent opinion
I’d rather have hostile troll-like noise musicians threatening to kill me than someone who barely manages to muster a *meh*

Back to the music
So, I have this little ditty rolling around in my head and it sounds like the coolest thing I have heard in a while
As I had mentioned, I know that I had better get this thing documented somehow because there are a host of different barriers just looking to step in and musically cock block me
Physical obstacles include setting up a recording/sampling medium and trying to figure out how to perform this usually intricate piece with terrible musical dexterity (except the drums)
Emotional/anxiety obstacles include eminent dissapointment with the result (i.e. a flat sounding version of the masterpiece in my head) and the inevitable result, should I accomplish finishing the idea, which is *meh*

All of these doubts and anxieties race around and mix themselves with the good ideas until I have a mishmash of conflicting emotions that convince me that I would be better just quitting and waiting for someone else to come along and help me write/produce/play this stuff
Which, of course, is impossible because other musicians don’t understand my genius or, if they do, have no desire to deviate from their own agenda long enough to even help me along for a little bit

Time to go to Jack in the Box for some tacos
Next I will devote a ton of time to posting things on the internet which don’t do squat to get me any further along in my attempt to progress an an artist


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s