existing between the lines

wow, amazing how quick I can turn on a dime sometimes and be filled with resentment and anger. These are the times when I pay the price for existing between the lines. but I wouldn’t trade it for a hundred mediocre existances

This started out as an initial statement but I feel I need to do a bit of writing therapy so here goes
From the moment I can remember what it was like to interact with people in a social situation, I can also remember not being able to fit in
It wasn’t because I was ugly or fat (I got pretty chubby in grade school, though) or had some type of obvious physical difference
I wasn’t from a strange family that believed weird things or had a strange religion
I could pretty much succeed at anything I felt like doing no matter if it was sports or artistic (I was even a good student way back when)
Social situations would prove to be my big downfall

No matter what situation presented itself to me, I always felt at odds with my surroundings and could not accept it for the way it was
The way I thought things should be would often be drastically opposed to the way other people wanted things
Obviously, the key to success is compromise but there is another layer of my personality that refuses to accept compromise
It is the same core that we all have
It has it’s mind made up about what is right and wrong, good and bad, beautiful and ugly, art or trash
When you spend your life in constant opposition of virtually everything you encounter, it starts to have a profound impact on your interactions with other people

Just as I have done in other self explorations, I want to remind the reader that this post is not intended to induce pity
But the printed word does tend to lend itself to interpretation so indulge me for a sec

There are lots of people who become adults surrounded by certain types of people who have proven to to be untrustworthy because of rough conditions
Very few of us grow up not trusting people based solely on their inability to find comonality with others
I can honestly say that there have been a handfull of friends in my life that I truly feel any conection with
The rest are aquaintences

The results of this existance have proven to be very bi-polar
The good part is that I have been forced to develop an outward personality to compensate for my deep mistrust of virtually everyone
The bad part is that I spend an equal amount of time isolating myself from any form of contact that requires an effort (surfing Facebook doesn’t count)
The good part is when everyone knows you or has heard of you
The good part is when you enjoy the company of a diverse set of people in many different exciting and stimulating situations
The bad part is when you get bored halfway through the evening because you don’t really care for the evening’s entertainment and have run out of things to say to the same people you saw three days ago
The bad part is thinking that you would rather have sat at home and worked on a project

But the worst part is that it has made me respond to negative interactions with an incredibly agressive actions
Bridge-burning types of actions
These are situations where I felt I have had enough of the negative connotations of existing with this person
So I nuke the site from orbit
There are plenty of people out thre that can say that they have been on the other side of that situation and they willl all attest that it was not very plesant at all
Don’t think that I don’t know how damaging this type of behavior is because it has driven all of the anxieties and self loathing that impede my progress

At it’s least, I allow it to block my creativity
At it’s worst, I allow it to make me a fucking prick

Having contemplated this for a great deal of time I have accepted that I have to strive for more control over those anxieties
My latest surge of effort/accomplishment has proven that I can make myself feel better by “succeeding”
However, it is that core of dissatisfaction that fuels my creative fire
I can never rid myself of that virulent all consuming desire to totally fuck with the order of things
But my anger seems directly tied to my frustrations
Not with my ability to accept other for what they are
But my resentment at others for not making any effort to see things my way
This has worn down my willingness to make any effort whatsoever for someone who is not immediately on my level
Why should I bother when I’m going to get nothing in return from you excpt a hello and some innane banter in a loud club?
Or worse
Indiference altogether

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