The Decade in Review Part 15

Some people have read my blogs recently and have expressed a large amount of surprise that I have had such horrible, negative thoughts about myself
They point to my highly self confident demenaor that borders on the arrogant and/or cocky
Obviously, the answer is that I used such arrogance to cover up my own self-loathing issues
The people who have enough history with me now notice the same level of confidence but that there is more humility and plain old plesantness about me
I have always believed in my abilities and strengths but it was my anger and resentment at others for not automatically handing me a free pass for being such a bad ass that made me so hard to deal with.

Back to the story
So, here I am with sporatic and un-reliable employment causing me to be even more paranoid about my future and causing me to not want to continue
I am saving up a bit of money to get up to Minneapolis and trying to spend as much time with my family and friends as possible
The last months in the Swiss House were spent listening to Russ Martin, looking out the window and occasionally leaving the house for something other than going to the dollar store for food
Some people had moved into the old Sombra pad and they were a real cool couple named Sarah and Anthony
He was the no BS type that could talk shit with me at the fire pit in back and she was the fag hag type that I could pour my guts out to
They were a mis-matched couple and having tons of arguments about the things all couples do
One of the things that started to occur to me is that I had advice for them and it actually worked
I would explain to him about all the stupid guy stuff we do and I would explain to her why guys do such stupid stuff
Conversely, it helped her to not do the stupid girl stuff as much because she now understood things about him that he could not articulate
This would help me tremendously because I felt a sense of worth with these people and it was nice not have friends that were shallow scenesters

A couple more knees to the groin at the hands of fickle women would occurr but I was galvanized by my new direction (although I had doubts about going back to the same place where I had failed before)
I could sense that the worst was over because I wasn’t thinking about dying anymore
Plus I had a new computer that was allowing me to do even more complicated video experimentations
I got a 2nd job at a Mongolian buffet and realized that I was real good at keeping my head down and busting my ass
In other words, I was learning how to subvert my ego for a job without surrendering my pride
Even on the day when one of the “knee to the groin girls” appeared in front of me whilst I was re-filling the marinated steak
She looked down her nose at me and I returned the glance
For once, it wasn’t a quick dart away or venomous glare
I just swallowed the surprisingly small amount of emotional bile and got back to it
It was liberating to not let someone get under my skin
Before, it would feel liberating to try to make her feel bad or act petty but now it was comforting that I had so little anger towards her
Not because I had “forgiven” her and all of that crap
It was because she really didn’t matter to me anymore
I had always heard people tell someone “If she can’t appreciate you then she’s not worht it etc….” and all that lip service they tell someone to make them feel better
But this was different
It wasn’t that I needed to cushion the blow and protect myself
I realised that I just didn’t care enough to have any energy towards her

This was a very important realization that would be an intregal part of my new development as a person
I would eventually learn to apply thatis idea to every part of my life that was holding me back
But that would take a bit longer


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