The Decade in Review part 14

I was getting shorter and shorter on money so my desparation kicked in and I forced myself to get a job
Luckily, it would turn out to be a cool one with a Chineese delivery service
Not only was their food incredibly good but they provided the vehicles
I spent a couple more weeks in the space and until I got offered a room at The Swiss House

Those of you that have been following this blog or know me personally have heard about the Swiss House
Unfortunately, I was moving in after the place had “jumped the shark”
In fact, one of the last of the principal residents was vacating the upstairs bedroom in Apartment 1
My new roomate Matt was the last of the scumbag punks that used to inhabit the building
I thought living in a rehearsal studio was challenging, but I had no idea what was ahead of me until I saw that bathroom

Street Punk Ryan had informed me as he was vacating the room that the bathroom had not been cleaned in 2 years “Besides”, he said, “The only time we ever use the shower is to rinse the dye out of our hair”
I had a daunting task in front of me
I went to the dollar store and bought several large cans of generic comet as well as a pair of the long yellow rubber gloves
I then spent all night applying comet paste to every washable surface in the bathroom and left it to sit for a day or two
Meanwhile, I literally had to sweep the carpet before I could vaccum it
Half way through, I had to go buy a mask because the dust and filth was causing me to sneeze until my nose bled
I had finally finished the room itself by mopping the walls and vaccuming the now swept carpet
Unfortunately, there was nothing I could do about the stains in the carpet of un-identifiable origin
There was nothing questionable about what caused them
I decided to wear shoes in the apartment until I found new carpet
Allan would give me enough a week later
It came time to give Matt the rent
I handed him half and then handed him the other half, only I didn’t let go of it
I lead him to the bathroom and pulled the other half of the rent out of his hand and said “This half of the rent is all yours when all that comet is gone”
To his credit, he did clean up the bathroom
I was left to clean the kitchen which was just as disgusting as the bathroom
I would have to squeegee and spray bleach water on the tile or else maggots would grow up between the tiles

The new job was making me some decent money and I had a cool chick that agreed with me about the specifics of our relationship
Things were getting better but I still could not get anywhere with PyroPlasticFlow
The constant rejection and indiference was wearing me down even harder than ever
The last months of 08 would be a succession of constant knees to the groin
Especially at the hands of women
My FWB had dumped me on my birthday which triggered a chain of rejections and humiliations
Not only that, but the people that worked with me had issues and wer sabotaging my job
The owner saw through each attempt and would call me a few weeks later to re-hire me, but there were several times when I would go for weeks without any news of my job situation (I was “not on the schedule this week”)

There were several months where I was in a constant frenzy of uncertainty, paranoia and self hatred until one night I decided that I had enough
I had managed to numb myself enough to survive this long but it wasn’t working anymore and couldn’t handle it
This was also around the same time that Kat called me in the middle of the night saying “Fuck it, I have had enough of Minnesota and I am headed your way”
After convincing her to get up enough money to take the bus I prepared to recieve someone that I had forced myself to keep at arm’s length when I left Mpls
However, I couldn’t just abandon her
I knew that somewhere inside that horrible, abusive, manipulative bitch was a girl that I was still in love with
Even though she has stomped on me more times than I can count, I couldn’t let go of her
I made sure to let her know how much she fucked me over and how I was the only one she could ever count on
Well, that and the guy she was talking to on the internet that lived in east Texas
I didn’t know about him until she was ready to leave with him a week later
Of course, that would’nt happen until after I had a completely humiliating breakdown in front of her
Instead of helping me out, she freaked and bolted
The next thing I know, she is leaving Dallas (where she had told me she wanted to try to start over) and is moving in with her new “fiance”
I realized that she had just used me as a temporary crash pad until her new source of stability had arrived to take care of her
If I had felt weak and beaten down before, then I was pretty much done by now
I had humiliated myself at my mother’s house by drinking too much and then blacking out on the garage floor whilst dialing random numbers on my phone and screaming at them about how much of a failure I was
The only comfort is that my Mother was already in bed asleep
My sister found me and it had to be really hard to see her baby brother in such a pathetic state

All of this came to a head one night and I decided that I was too tired to resist anymore so I started thinking about how to die
Take a whole bottle of pills?
None around and all the stores within walking distance were closed (I wasn’t walking anywhere)
Drink and entire bottle of booze?
4am, foiled again
That’s when I realized how far I had sunk and that I was considering killing myself but I was too much of a coward to do it if I had to actually pull a trigger or jump off something or feel any pain
As Frank Zappa says “Nothing’s worse than a suicide chump”

I realized that I must be insane if I am seriously considering killing myself
Because I really didn’t ever want to die
I just wanted a break from the all encompassing pain I was going through
That’s when I called Laura and asked he if she would come over at 5am and keep me from killing myself
She had to be at school at 8am or something but she jumped up immediately and rushed over to my apartment
She made me promise not to do anything before she left
I did and then fell asleep for what seemed like a day or so
I can’t remember if I even dreamed at all but I woke up with a new decision formulating in my head
Dallas had proven to be a completely un-reliable town for me
My friends were still my friends but I couldn’t depend on any of them
It was time to go somewhere else
I told myself that getting out of Dallas was the first thing I had to do
I didn’t like the idea of going back to Minneapolis but it was the option with the best support structure(Marko was on the top of that list)
Eventually, I would decide to return to Minneapolis, but I would need a few months to prepare
Meanwhile, I still had my miserable life in Dallas to deal with
The knees to the groin would continue but I would persevere

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