The Decade in Review part 13 1/2 * the beating continues

I had caught something at my job
It may not have been pneumonia at first but sleeping in a cold rehearsal space and cold water washcloth baths sure didn’t help
My Mom pretty much demanded that I get out of that room and I did spend a night or two out in Keller but Laura’s couch seemed like a better alternative because I was convinced that I was going to get better at any moment and I could get back to looking for a job (I had quit the crust punk infested job)
I ended up spening an entire week on the couch because I just couldn’t kick it no matter how much rest, OJ and boiling hot showers I had
At least I had Tino to hang out with during the day
Laura and I also used the time to try to figure out where we stood with each other

The pneumonia eventually went away and I felt good enough to go back to the rehearsal room
I still had some money but it was getting to the point where I was eyeing equipment to see what I could sell
Meanwhile, I was spending all of my time in the rehearsal studio
I could only afford to leave in The Van one time a day (unless it was a short trip) to look for a job, go to the library (internet/books to read) and the grocery store
My diet consisted of cans of fruit, Mini Ravioli and the dollar menus of the various fast food joints in my industrial neighborhood
I can’t begin to tell you how many jack in the Box tacos I ate
My mother was horrified when I asked her to buy me a decent can opener because I had been eating too many metal shavings left behind by my dollar store version
The rest of the time was spent working on the PyroPlasticFlow concept, reading books and listening to Russ Martin
I had a very limited amount of space on the Mac Mini and could only do one project at a time
Even then, I had to delete the entire project and dump it to DVD, which was even more limiting because I would have to wait until I filled up an entire DVD to finalize them
I was also doing lots of noise improv and documenting it with the video camera
This is what lead me to start looking at video and audio as the same thing
I had done plenty of tape editing but now I had such precise control that I could isolate things as rhythmic loops
All of the early stuff I did was on the Mac Mini and I believe the last thing I did on it was “Gamelan Edit”
I also made plenty of use of a giant empty room that I would dub “The Big Room”
This is where I experimented with different mic positioning and recording as well as documenting the process for barrage material later on
I created some loops and backing tracks that ended up sounding pretty decent but I am still a shitty sound engineer to this day

I spent a quite a few months cooped up in that room and it was starting to affect my mental and emotional state
All the expectations that I had regarding Dallas were evaporating
I figured that I had proven my ideas correctly and the people that knew me would finally realize that I could back up my talk
Unfortunately, all I got was “If you can’t draw then we can’t book you”
Even at the DIY venues
Once again, the feeling of “just give up” started to creep into my everyday decisions
Not only that, but the finality of the concept of “just giving up” was becoming more and more complete
I had spent my entire life convinced that all I needed to do was hold on and I would eventually catch a wave
This was the moment when I have been out in the water for so long that I am exhausted and start entertaining the idea of allowing myself to drown
There is absolutely nothing else in my life that would make me happy other than the direction I have dedicated to my life
So, if that direction isn’t leading anywhere, and I have done absolutely nothing but that my whole life, then what is the true impact of the decision to to give up?
It was increasingly starting to look like giving up meant giving up on my entire life
I didn’t necessarily want to kill myself, but I sure as fuck didn’t wanna live this life anymore
So, when you have no alternatives except the ones that Mother Nature gives you, you start to mull the possibility of ending your life completely

My standard of living was about to improve, but my state of mind would get worse
Allan had to ask me to leave the space because other people were starting to ask if I lived there
He told me that he appreciated that I cleaned the place in the middle of the night and the amount of pride I took in being a member of his rehearsal studio but not everyone is such a model tennant and he feared other less civilized people would start to bunk up there too
Although it was a great building and the tennants were generally civil, he knew that more guys living there would spell trouble

Getting back to Texas almost physically killed me
The transition months from ’08 to ’09 would do the same to me emotionally
I thought I had sunk to my lowest in the studio but it appears that I had a little more ass kicking headed my way before I was completely fed up and ready to quit


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